Voldemort returns (in an unthreatening way)
by Meknowenglish
Summary: Uhh...very confusing, so be warned.


Dumbledore is standing in the middle of the dining hall, eyes on all the students)  
  
Dumbledore: (sighing) "Well, the time has come..."  
  
Harry: "The walrus said..."  
  
Ron: (enthusiastically) "To talk of many things!"  
  
All: "Of shoes and ships and sealing wax! Of cabbages an-"  
  
Dumbledore: "Shut-up!"  
  
Parvati: (crossly) "Well, no need to be a meanie about it."  
  
Dumbledore: "The Dark Lord has come back!" (silvery gaze consumes his eyes)  
"And he will kill Harry..."  
  
Prof. Trelawney: (angrily) "Hey, only I make up stories about Potter dying!"  
  
Harry: (stupidly) "What?"  
  
Ron: "I know!" (pulls out a Muggle lighter) "LOOOOK! I found it on the street outside of Harry's house."(turns  
on the lighter) "It will protect us!" (starts crying)  
  
Harry: (entranced) "Oooo...look at the pretty flame..."  
  
Hermione: (fed up with the Harry's stupidity) "Harry! It's just a lighter! And you call yourself the Boy Who Lived."  
  
Harry: (still entranced) "Pretty, pretty, pretty..."  
  
Dumbledore: (annoyed with Harry's insolent remarks) "Avada Kedavra!"  
  
Ron: (carelessly) "I guess he's the Boy Who Died, now."  
  
Dean: (yells at the top of his lungs) "Party at Potter's place!"  
  
All: "Woooohooooo!!"  
  
Parvati: "Hey, isn't Harry's dorm the same as yours."  
  
(Dean pauses and looks around)  
  
Dean: (shouts yet again) "Party at Potter's place!"  
  
Snape: (casting spells at everyone insensibaly) "Bah, humbug."  
  
Crabbe: (burning boils on his face) "Hey, teachers can't do that!"  
  
Padma: (eyeballs swelling at an alarming rate) "It's not fair- wah!" (bumps into Hermione, who screams)  
  
Hermione: (completely mad) "We must sacrifice the viperish virgin!"   
  
Padma: "Wah!"  
  
Hermione: (waving wand) "Kill de virgin! Kill de virgin!"  
  
Ron: (looks bewildered) "You're all communists."  
  
Harry: (evil smile) "Here Ron, let me hold the lighter." (Ron hands it over, confused) "HAHAHAH! Me got  
it! ME GOT IT!" (flicks on lighter) "OOOYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE!"  
  
Hermione: (whispering to Ron) "Is he drunk?"  
  
Harry: (still dazzled by the dancing flame) "I hope so."  
  
Trelawney: (shouting crazily) "I am!" (slurring) "You gonna die! And you too! I don' really like you, so you gonna die!"  
  
Padma: (tears in her eyes) "I knew it!"  
  
Trewlawney: (unable to hold equilibrium) "Ack!" (trips and falls) "Damn!"  
  
Seamus: "Ah! My virgin ears!"  
  
Hermione: (pricks ears) "Who said virgin!" (sniffs air)  
  
Ron: (repeating) "You're all communists."  
  
Hermione: (going into a new madness) "Sacrifice the males!"   
  
Seamus, Ron, among others: "Ahhhh!!!!"  
  
Harry: (holding lighter up high) "The FLAME will protect us!"  
  
Girls: (unfazed) "Sacrifice, sacrifice!"  
  
Harry: "Err...nevermind."  
  
Dumbledore: (trying to control his insane students) "Imperio!"  
  
McGonagall: (sighing with disgust)"Sir, your threatening them with a turkey leg."  
  
Dumbledore: "No wonder my wand taste so good."  
  
Fawks: "Stop eating me!"  
  
McGonagall: "You boiled Fawkes!"  
  
Fawkes: (tearfully) "My voice is heard still beyond the grave..."  
  
Dumbledore: (angry) "Why aren't you back in my office!"  
  
Fawkes:"A house elf grabbed me, put me in a pot, and here I am!"  
  
Dumbledore: (dully) "Fascinating."  
  
Harry: (cheerful) "So, when is Voldemort coming back."(flickers lighter on and off) "Tee hee."  
  
Dumbledore: (irritably) "Why can't anybody do away with you."  
  
Harry: (doing a dance) "Because I carry The Torch of Destiny!!!" (tucks lighter lovingly in robes)  
  
Ron: (decidedly) "No, because you're a communist."  
  
Parvati: "What's with you and communism?"  
  
Ron: (shrugs) "I dunno."  
  
Seamus: (scared) "Ron? Nobody here is really a communist, right?" (starts crying)  
  
Ron: (whispering conspiratorily) "Well, I heard Padma's a distant relative of Karl Mar-"  
  
Padma: (whacks Ron on the head) "Quiet you!"  
  
Voldemort: (joining the group) "What's going on?"  
  
All: (shrieking with terror) "Ah! It's Voldemort! Run!" (Everyone tries to run, and they trip over their own shoes)  
  
Harry: (jumps on table) "I will defeat him!"(robes catch on fire) "Aughhhhh! Oh most lovely flames, why have   
you forsaken me!?"  
  
Voldemort: (whining) "I just wanted to hang out with you guys, all I get to talk to is Wormtail."  
  
Wormtail: (sobbing) "Master!"  
  
Voldemort: (bored) "Yeah, yeah I know."  
  
Harry: (appears to be trying to bow to the flames on his robes and run away from them) "Why do you hurt  
me, I love you! I worship you!" (fires cease to stop buring him) "Ouch! I wish I knew a water-summoning charm."  
  
All: "Augh!"  
  
Harry: (practically insane from the heat) "Crucio! Furnunculus! Priori Incantatem! Petrificus Totalus! Expecto  
Patronum! Densaugio! Wingardium Levioso!"  
  
Draco: (cheering) "Potter's finally lost his marbles! Hurra!"  
  
Harry: "Accio Ron!"  
  
Ron: "Ack! Help me! He's a madman!"  
  
Voldemort: "Ho hum, what a sun-shiny day!"  
  
Wormtail: (clears throat) "Ahem- umm...Master, aren't you supposed to be taking over the world or something."  
  
Voldemort: "Er...oh yeah! Ummm... you all have to be my slaves."  
  
Seamus: (hopefully) "Love Slaves?"  
  
Voldemort: "No you sicko!"  
  
Wormtail: "Well, Master, lets not be so hasty..."  
  
Voldemort: (arching an eyebrow) "You queer little man. (sighs) "I should have guessed as much, seeing  
as you're middle-aged and still a virgin."  
  
Hermione: (bolts upright) "Virgin?! VIRGIN!"  
  
Ron: (dryly) "Not this again..."  
  
Harry: (talking to his flaming robes)"AUGHHHHH!!!!! The sin of my cherishable worshippings!   
Wherefore you destroy me!? WHEREFORE!" (runs into Voldemort)  
  
Voldermort: (caught on fire as well) " AHHH! You incompetent, arsonest of a boy!"   
  
Harry: (sobbing with joy) "Someone to BURN within the beautiful, omnipotent power of the fire with MEEEEEEE!"  
  
Voldemort: (flapping arms) "I'm the only one omnipotent around here."  
  
Harry: (passionate anger) "Then you deserve to burn in the Flames of Destiny!  
  
Voldemort: (wearily) "I see..."  
  
Dumbledore: (shrieks) "Somebody put out these fiery fiends!"  
  
Madam Pomfrey: (throws a bucket of water on.....Voldemort?) "There ya go."  
  
Dumbledore: (wacks Madam Pomfrey with his turkey leg) "You big dunce!"  
  
Voldemort: (shriveles and shrinks in the water) "I-I'm M-MEEEEEEEEEELTING!"  
  
Ron: (so overwhelmed, he is sobbing on the floor) "Who knew! WHO KNEW WATER WAS HIS WEAKNESS!"  
  
Harry: (still on fire) "I KNEW!"  
  
Hermione: "Why didn't you say anything!"  
  
Harry: (perturbed) "I'm not a tattletale."  
  
Hermione: (slaps forehead) "Oi!"  
  
Dumbledore: (leaves Filch to clean up the Puddle-o-Voldemort) "Alright students, go to bed."  
  
Students: "MAKE US!"  
  
Dumbledore: (lazily) "Imperio."  
  
Students: (dazed) "We mean yes, oh most powerful and handsome Headmaster."  
  
Dumbledore: "That's more like it."  
  
Harry: (suffering from third-degree burns) "Ohhh....the mark of my only love."  
  
Dumbledore: (shudders) "Uhh...you stay down here."  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, The Walrus and the Carpenter, or The Wizard of Oz. 


End file.
